Saturday, February 7, 2015

Jamie

Last night, talking with Jamie.
Last night, at the bar with Jamie.
Last night, winning pool with Jamie,
And he sets up my final last shot.

Meeting Jamie and falling for Jamie.
Jamie telling me how intriguing I am.
Jamie asking me if I lied to him about my age.
Jamie making sure I'm okay.

Jamie carrying my bags and Jamie saying;
"Let's just get one more drink!"
Jamie saying "sorry" about Christmas.
Jamie saying it's hard enough to see me at work three days a week.
But he still hopes I get the job.

Being with Jamie and time stops.
Being alone together in a crowded room.
Being told to keep back from Jamie.
"But it's not your fault. You didn't know."

In a parallel world, Jamie doesn't have a girlfriend.
In a different world, Jamie could be mine.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Gone

Well now it's been months and you're still in my head.
I can't wrap my mind around the idea that you're dead.
You were so new to me yet you had my whole heart.
And now I'm so empty I don't know where to start.
To hit restart. To his rewind.
What was ever really going through your mind?
Did you love me too?
Did you love me back?
Or was I a game, another girl on the track.
I'll never know your thoughts, your dreams.
Whether I was your future.
Or just ends to your means.


Thursday, November 6, 2014

Posthumous

I'm on the train to teach and I'm surrounded by people. And all I keep thinking is how alone I am. As the tears well up. And I think about how hopeless I feel and wonder where all my dreams and ambitions went. When did I lose them? How? Did they fall out of my pockets? Spill onto the sidewalk? Did they fall at the same time you did?

Every day feels so hard. That same monotony. That same feeling of nothing. Nothing. No thing.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Psyche + Eros

You asked me why I was single, once.
"I'm too busy. Plus I don't believe in love," I told you.
You thought that was sad.
But you said you were too busy to be dating anyone, too.
Yet somehow we found time for each other.
Six dates in one week.
Countless messages, phone calls.
So many inside jokes as we wove the web of our private world.
In secret, for we didn't want to share what we had.
And then you left for your adventure, as you had planned.
"I'll see you soon," not "goodbye!"
Because you were coming back.
Because I was never good at goodbyes.
So instead you wrote me postcards on your travels.
You invited me to come join you, on the back of your bike.
See the world together.
We talked about what would happen when you returned.
We planned an idea of a life together.
Planned our next adventures.
Batgirl and the riddler. Against the world.
Our alter egos in our private world.
A world that's gone now. Broken into a thousand pieces.
Now that you're gone.
How can life go on when you're not coming back?
When every task seems a chore.
When every little thing reminds me of you.
Last time we spoke you told me I owed you a poem.
But this isn't what I was supposed to write.
It was supposed to be about happiness, love.
It was supposed to be about anything but this.
So now you go on to your next adventure.
Through the fields of asphodel and into elysium.
Into the great beyond.
Your taught me it was okay to love again and I fell for you.
Over and over again.
Forever in my heart, forever in my love.
I miss you already, Al.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Al

I LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

The Model

I came to see you in Baan Tai.
Baan fucking Tai.
Well I guess it's not that far when you're already in Koh Phangan. Really.
You picked me up on your motorbike,
Like nothing had changed.
"Hey you," you said in that accent,
Like nothing had changed.
From last year when you lived in Sydney,
When we spoke every day.
When I was falling for you,
And when I was just a game.
I remember once, asking if you were happy.
"No. But I'm trying to be. Every day."
I wonder if you're happy now,
In Baan fucking Tai.
Where it's always summer,
Where you're always loved,
Where you ran away to.
And where I found you,
For just five days.
Where I tried to holiday.
And where you tried,
To start over.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Taylor Squared

So here I am. It's only 2:12am.
And my pupils? Totally dilated.
They've been like that for a while,
Before midnight. Before I saw you.
Traipsing back to your apartment,
As I stumbled, in arms, to the next bar.
That girl on your arm.
Like me but smaller.
Like me but different.
Do you cook her dinner?
Watch movies together?
Take baths?
Is it the same with every girl?
Or am I different? Am I the girl?
The girl who should have been a mansion.
The girl who should have been a home.